Well, actually the rhythm was not it either.
But yes, you noticed the
Melody.
And I emphasize that the most important element in almost all Baroque music is melody. I know how easy it is to forget, amid technical training with harmonies and counterpoints, that both harmony and counterpoint are tools based on melody: harmony to enhance melody, counterpoint to combine melodies. And you have probably already noticed that some of your melodies are far from inspiring.
Learning to voice lead chords and write counterpoint is only the beginning of learning to write music in any style. Making beautiful music will probably imply writing beautiful melody at this stage, and unlike with counterpoint and harmony, there are no simple rules. Thus I even hesitate to point out some of your "mistakes" because they could all be appropriate in certain circumstances. Furthermore, even composers like Bach occasionally wrote awkward melodies when that would allow for a particularly interesting harmony or imitation. As we have discussed already with the aug. 2nd, it is not necessary for all the voices to always be prominent... and a very slow (or very fast) voice acting as filler clearly does not have to be so melodic.
So please do not take this advice too seriously:
(all referring to your original)
1. Notice the deceptive resolution of the leading tone in the right hand from bar two to three. This can occasionally be a special effect, but notice that your dominant chord jumps to yet another dominant chord inversion, halting the harmonic rhythm exactly where the music should be moving forward. Furthermore you approach it awkwardly in the left hand too
.
2. Even in measures three and four you never resolve that leading tone.
3. In measure four, the right hand does not repeat the countersubject properly. Yes, there would have been a parallel fifth... but I used those fifths freely in my version. Try singing parts of what you wrote to see why I don't like your alteration.
4. Measures five and six, left hand: this motive could be more creative.
5. Consonant ties are usually not even a fraction as interesting as true suspensions. Most of the ones you used sounded awkward.
6. Measure nine: the right hand motive is not the most spectacular...
7. Measures fourteen through sixteen: The ending should be the most inspiring, but instead you used some questionable melodies. Especially the right hand; try singing that and you will understand.
I went through a very similar phase as I learned harmony and counterpoint. So for you to avoid the painful writing of many awkward pieces like mine, I suggest you try writing some solo melody. I suspect you will find it more difficult than you could possibly imagine. And I don't mean nice melodies... no, I mean some
awesome melodies where every note counts and contributes to a strong emotion.
Of course in a contrapuntal piece you will adopt a different melodic style... but many of the same elements apply: graceful curve and solid direction.
As for rhythm, you seem to be fine if you are imitating Bach. I have a personal tendency (learned from of course the 17th century) to avoid smooth 16th note motion, but Bach's style depends on it. More importantly I think you are not aware of the major differences between motives that begin on the beat and motives that begin after/before the beat. Motives that begin before/after the beat and lead into a stronger beat are the most flowing and Bach uses them constantly. Melodies beginning on the beat, on the other hand, feel more block-like and separated. Experiment with both!
All of this is a mere introduction to the intricacies of melody and rhythm... if you are interested we could have a few proper lessons on these subjects with examples for clarification. And of course ask questions!
So just to clarify, you are learning a lot about music and should not feel disappointed in yourself, as you know remarkable things about harmony and counterpoint. I merely suggest that you now take yet another element of music into closer account as you compose. Melody is the missing ingredient.