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Its nice. Very typical way to write for chorus.
What you were explaining about the text, sounds very confusing. Singers need to see the text with the music! You cant have them guess, you have to tell them what to do. In general, the idea itself sounds really confusing, with the main text switching to voice to voice on random notes and the melody weaves through. I dont think it will work, but you would have to wait for a live performance.
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