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Yeah, the sentiment in the lyric is obviously there, but the lyric rambles. It's not quite polished yet. And, as others have stated, fix the scansion. Without scansion, it doesn't matter how nice the words are, because no one will understand them. Sing the song, and if a word doesn't sound the way you would normally sing it, then either re-write the melody or re-write the lyric.
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~David
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