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I love the accompaniment figure! It's really fun, and you make wonderful use of it. I feel that your melody gets a little lost in the beginning. It feels unfocused, which is maybe part of the dramatic point, but it's somewhat unnerving. It got much stronger at m15 (where you change to CM). It seemed to be actually heading somewhere at that point, whereas before it seemed to be wandering.
Lyrically, I wonder what you mean by "until I realized the man had looked at me." You have not yet mentioned a particular man, so I don't know who this man is, and then he never shows up again. And as much as I like the long-term effect it has on her, I'd also really like to get her emotions in the moment when a man finally looks at her. In order to incite such a change in her, that's got to be a huge moment, and you kind of gloss over it.
A final thing, and this is probably just due to my own aesthetic, but why don't you try putting a quarter or eighth rest in the melody before the final note.
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~David
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