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I see what you mean.
The event doesn't incite the change in her - she incites the change in her, due to her realization of her potential within a seemingly small event. I think it may help to change "the man" to "these men" and subsequent "he"s to "they"s?
I'm actually not a huge fan of big character epiphanies where it's like the heavens open and angels come out singing - I much prefer them very subtle and contained within the character's own action. Any advice on how to do that?
I did a quick edit on it with the quarter-rest first, and then the eighth-rest - and I think it gives a sense of hesitancy that I'm not sure I like. That said, there is a rather hesitant song coming up, and I'll certainly keep the effect in mind.
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