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Adam, I finally got a "round tuit," and I'm posting a .mus file with a few suggestions. The little nudges and changes should be obvious to you since you're intimate with the piece.
The sections with a lot of parallel triads I pretty much didn't touch, because I'm not sure how to "correct" them, for lack of a better term, without changing the character completely. The idea wasn't to change the character of the piece, just to outline where I thought a few things might be improved. These are just my opinions, based on my experience and sensibilities.
It's a really beautiful piece.
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