Hi, here's my humble critique. First of all, it's just from listening to the sound file, so I'd have to actually look at the notes to figure out the awkward spots.
I think overall there ae some really nice moments. There are less awkward moments in the later parts of the piece, like the 2nd half. The following moments stuck out as not working well. I imagine in most of those a simple change of chord quality like minor to major would make it sound better:
:33
:35
:44
the end of the second verse, too much parallel motion in the cadence.
the 3rd verse was really nice, good conterpoint.
at around 2:11 the few chords there are way too non-functional I think. Rework this.
2:39 weird
3:00 change to a dominant 7th chord (I think, I only listened once...)
3:34 also a bit weird
It's a really nice attempt though, just refine some of those progressions.
