Bittersweet Goodbye

Hey guys

This is the demo i did for ABSteel's musical. The story is thus: a girl is woken up with the news her lover is here to run away with her, so she jumps out of bed in excitement before the realisation sets in that she is leaving home forever.

This is a very important piece to me as it's my first one that I actually need to have a printed score for eventually. So this is where I'd really like some help. I've provided both a link to the Sibelius recording and the score.

Basically I'm happy with the recording at the moment, and I need to know anything that would need to be changed in the score in order for it to be performed as you hear in the recording. Any help appreciated but the more detail you can go into the better, as I really need to learn quickly when it comes to proper scoring.

The vocal line in the recording is played by an alto flute, comments and suggestions on the whole thing much appreciated.

Edit: Oh, this piece is intended for a soprano, and I know my choice of an alto flute to represent that was a bit stupid, so that will be one thing I rectify along with anything else you guys see!

Edit 2: Updated score now attached

http://www.fox-music.co.uk/Bitterswe...export%205.mp3

First things First:
in vocal music
lyrics go BELOW the staff.
dynamics go ABOVE the staff.

this is unique to vocal music.
for all orchestral/instrumental music, dynamics go below the staff.


oh, and give more room between your staves here needed.

Hey Fox!

Well, I can't say I'm particularly fond of the lyrics themselves, though they are pretty standard fare for this kind of production. But what you've done with them is very nice indeed! Just to get these out of the way first, some score quibbles:

- "Moderato" should have the capital "M" at the beginning
- Specify what Ivan Steel did and what you did, don't just put names if there's more than one.
- Pay attention to what QC said above about dynamics
- Be careful of some dynamic markings and articulations that are bumping into each other in various places
- Ditto for lyrics bumping into the note stems
- Be consistent with the placement of lyrics: you have them underneath and then randomly on page 6 they're on top and you've put the dynamics underneath, so none of that.
- Specify with a text note what the percussion line is playing; you might know it's kick and hats with the occasional crash, but not everyone will, so write it in.
- Be careful with your use and notation of rhythms like the one in 86 with the dotted eights; singers get annoyed when you write like that sometimes, especially if they're not professional. To be on the safe side, write it using tied notes to make the counting easier.

Alright, now with that out of the way, I'll talk about the music itself. You captured the mood of the lyrics very well, so I applaud you for that. I question your instrumentation though because it doesn't seem to me as though you need some of the instruments in there...it's almost like you have them just so you can have a bigger ensemble. And that may actually be the case, I'm just pointing out that it's an impression I got.

Also, your piano writing is not particularly inspired here. The one little riff that repeats is wonderful and very pretty, but the actual piano writing overall is lacklustre and unpolished in the extreme. Having seen it, I'd almost be tempted to tell you to just give the pianist chord markings and have them work it out on their own with the exception of the few melodic lines where you have a specific thing you want them to play. Effective piano writing takes a lot of practise, so it's not surprising, but I wouldn't risk it for a big production until you're more comfortable with the instrument and its capabilities.

Structurally, you nailed the pop song style and so this piece will fit absolutely perfectly in a nice modern musical. I look forward to hearing more stuff from this production to see how you interpret this kind of music further.

Thanks for sharing!

Hey guys.

Thanks for your help, I'm correcting all those as we speak!

And Marius, yeah I know my piano writing is DIRE! I used to be a bit better at it but I seem to have lost the knackso I really need to work through my book....

By the way, I wanna make a text note on the cymbal effect I have at bar 41 (1:30 in the recording) but I dunno what it's called. Could ya help me out with that? Thanks.

Fox

Well you've got mostly closed hi-hat hits and then the occasional open hi-hat hit, but that particular swell is a concert crash cymbal roll, so what you'd probably want to put in the score is "crash cymbal roll" and indicate that it swells with a crescendo, or just put "crash cymbal swell".

See what works best for ya

Thanks, Marius! That's awesome. I've attached an updated score, I've done everything youguys mentioned I think except changing the piano part. Anything else please let me know but I hope it's better now.

I'm glad that you merged the two percussion lines, that was another thing I forgot to mention. This is a really dumb-sounding thing, but it's something I notice: for a properly engraved and publishable piece of music, I would recommend you use a font (at least for the title) that's different. Something dignified and basic but not the standard Arial or Times...just a matter of style and personal preference.

Hey Fox!
A musical....ahh my former life. I did musical theatre for 8 years, so I feel pretty qualified to say, I think this fits perfectly into the musical theatre genre. I can see the girl on stage singing the big ballad. Its just soo musical theatre!! and thats a good thing. It works so well. Keep it up! I want to hear more!! haha.
Hey, you could be walking up to receive your Tony one day!
Great work!

Scott.

Just came across this. I REALLY like the music. The lyrics, however, are extremely expository and rather unfocused. I have a few dramatic questions: how does she learn that her lover is coming to run away with her? Why does she have to run away? It's vaguely outlined in the song, but only the idea of a controlling father. Perhaps this is in the dialogue before the song, but it feels very hyperbolic based solely on what I know.

The device at the end of the song--the letter to her father--that's wonderful! Rather than just singing the exposition at the audience (a friend once made up a word for that, which I really like: "facty," meaning there's nothing real going on, it's simply stating facts) let her pour her emotion into a letter. It's rather "Goodbye, Old Girl"-esque (Damn Yankees), but it works, and it can let the emotional and dramatic exposition out without the audience feeling like nothing's happening, which is what you have right now. My suggestion would be to re-write the lyrics using a letter to her father as a framing device.

My other question is: is this her "I Want" song? I, of course, know nothing about your musical, so I don't even know what's going to happen to her. But if this is the opening number and it introduces the character and her situation, let us see what she's hoping to find by running away with this guy, and simply getting away from her father can't be it. There has to be something she's running toward that she'll either get or won't get. And this is where we need to see it, otherwise we just won't care about her.

I know the lyrics aren't your department, but I come from a lyrics background first. And musical theatre is about the marriage of the words and music to tell a story. I really enjoyed your music, and the lyrics might be a little more creative if they were forced into the musical structure you've given them. Some of the best lyrics come when the music was written first. Richard Rodgers always wrote music first when he worked with Lorenz Hart, and those are some of the most inventive songs of the pre-Oklahoma era of musical comedy. So, there ya have it.