Short Hymn

Well, I can't play .MUS files but I listened to your midi.

So you said on the shoutbox you wanted a review. Well I don't know if I can put this in a nice way - but your song is boring.
Very little is happening, it's too monotonous. Try putting some spice in it. Make some speed or something, just keep my ears awake!...

I can always make a remix of it, if you like?

It is supposed to be a hymn. It is supposed to be sung. I could not get the midi to be choir voices, so, it is just piano. Trust me when it is in choir mode than it sounds 45x better. However, I didn't want it to be too "spicy". I wanted it to sound like one of those gorgeous, solem Catholic Church hymns that the little choir boys would sing. You know like Ave Verum Corpus by William Byrd. I have a feeling that you would find Ave Verum Corpus to be boring too.

Don't get me wrong. I am not angry with your comment. I just wanted to make that clear just in case I sounded a little irked.

I can project/imagine it sung as a four-part piece rather than piano so that isn't a problem. As a classical hymn it comes over ok.

There was one chord that jars...I'll have another listen and give you the timing where it is.
Ok, it's at 27/28 seconds approaching the cadence - sounds like a VIIb or V7c incomplete. A V7a might be better in situ (there's nothing wrong with the subtonic VIIb or V7c but they're best approached and quitted 'traditionally' in a setting like this.

The third chord along sounds fine (I think it's a iib) but if I'm right, the 3rd is doubled which wouldn't go strictly with the rules.

The treble and harmonic rhythm moves nicely. It'll sound great sung by a choir/congregation, being easy on the voice.

Is it in G maj?

M

Is it in F major.

I went ahead and revoiced it and changed a few things here and there to make it more traditional. Take a look and see what I did differently. Let me know if you like it.

It is very beautiful, by the way. We need to find you some good lyrics, or write some. Any leads?

I hope you will not think me arrogant, as I know you were working on lyrics, but I've not seen them posted.

I've added a lyric of my own, and hope it's at least consistent with your beautiful melody.

So, I read. I talked to Daniel. I talked to my mom. I re-read the comments in this thread. And I read some more. I reworked my hymn a little bit. See how you like this instead of what I had written. I think it works a lot smoother as a whole. Also, the voice leading should be fixed. I took all of the low bassiness out of it. I did not like the way that seventh was set up in the second phrase so I got rid of that and opened that up to flow into the third phrase. I think that makes more sense and overall it gives the piece a more sophisticated sound. I also tightened all of the harmonies. If there was some wierd jump or whatever I mainly moved the voices around so that there were tighter clusters of harmony. I did not like those few instances where it seemed like the four voices were placed two octaves apart from each other.

Hey, RRR: please understand that I DO plan on posting complete comments. However, I began to evaluate the first draft, not realizing you'd made revisions. Because of my college schedule today, I'll have to finish posting tomorrow. I saw some voice-leading and doubling issues, but you may have fixed those...
I wanted to leave a post in case you didn't check your messages.
Take care, I'll get the comments to you soon,
Brooks

What a discipline it is to write a hymn!
I've never forced myself to do it; it's much easier to check others' works for errors than it is to follow part-writing rules from scratch (hitting brick walls with parallels, etc.) and still end up with what you want . So, first off, bravo for choosing this battle.
Your overall 4-phrase structure is good. The 3rd phrase provides the peak, and the use of the same beginning for the other three phrases ties the hymn together. Rhythmic similarity (half note, 2 quarters) at the start of each phrase also creates continuity. Good work.
My suggestions center around the "balance" of sound created by your use of doubling and inversions (ie, which chord note is in the bass), as well as some chord progression. I think re-considering a few spots will either confirm further in your mind what you already have or possibly help you see some more enjoyable alternatives.

(**PLEASE don't be overwhelmed. I've tried to explain things precisely, so you can undesrtand what I mean, but the comments boil down to relatively few very specific changes. Overall, great job.)

1. Parallels:
-ms. 4: tenor and sopr. have double 8vas on beats 1 and 2. As I suggest for this measure under #3, holding the lower 3 voices for a half note will avoid this motion.

2. Inversion (bass note) and doubling:
-ms. 15, 3rd beat: with the Bb in the bass, this comes across 2 ways to the ears: unsatisfying as a vi (because my ear "wants" the g in the bass), or a little "jazzy" (because a Bb in the bass sounds like a IV with an added 6 ). To put it simply: if you want the iv, I'd put the g in the bass.
-ms. 16: you doubled the root and 5th with no 3rd: sounds empty. If you're going for the "empty" sound, you would want to write more of the hymn like that. Right now, it sticks out as very different.
-ms. 18: you put both the tenor and alto on the suspension. I believe you're never supposed to use 2 suspensions in 4 part style; rather, you'd want to double another chord note, and I'd suggest changing the tenor from F to G.
3. Progressions:
-ms. 4: IV-->iv-->V is a weak progression. You could just omit the iv chord on beat 2 and have IV last for 2 beats, sustaining the voices underneath for a half-note (the brief dissonance would be fine).
-the 7th in measure 8 is worth exploiting. It will sound the most "intentional" if you keep the bass voice on the root: Bb. To do thiat, I suggest you use this alternative progression for the 2nd phrase starting on the last half of ms. 7: I vi IV Vsus (changes every 2 beats).
-ms. 12-13: you move from vi to ii back to vi. I would avoid this, because 1) it goes back and forth, which is a weak progression (normal chord progression = vi-->IV-->ii-->V-->I), and it also sets up another vi-->V motion. Here's a possibility: vi IV ii Vsus (this will create 9th chord on the 1st beat of 13--may be out of character ).
4. Other notes:
-Some ideas for what happens at ms. 2, beat 3:
The C in the bass makes this a "cadential I6/4 chord," which (you probably already know this) means it usually functions in a cadence, preparing a V-->I motion. It's up to you, but I wouldn't use this inversion of the I chord without following with a V. So, here's some options:
Option #1: Since this same spot (ms. 3) occurs 3 times in the hymn, you can afford to vary it a bit. I would suggest moving down a 4th in the bass to a low F (on bt. 3) the first time. This is a more "settled" sound, and since the piece doesn't have momentum yet, ms. 3 is a good spot for "settled, solid" sound.
Option #2: Then, if you do my 1st suggestion, you might try taking soprano and alto down to G and E respectively on the 4th beat, delaying the bass movement to the B until the last 8th of the bar. This accomplishes both harmonic pull (V7) and rhythmic "pull" for the 2nd phrase.
**As a note, the motion of the C-->B in the bass really demands the V chord in my opinion, because 1) it clashes with the upper voices and 2) the previous I6/4 chord already implies that V is coming.
-For the ending, I (opinion here...) prefer ending on the tonic in the soprano, at least the last time through. I would at least suggest the other voices move down. If you move all voices to a lower chord note, you get a nice "relaxed-sounding" final chord.

As I said, I'll still try to give you what you requested soon....
In the meantime, however, I double-checked the 3rd, and you're right. According to the pdf and midi that you posted in your latest thread, you DO have the 3rd at the spot I called "empty," but the sound is still something to consider b/c you have the 3rd in the bass and all other voices on F. If there's only 1 third, you might find that it gives a more "open" sound in (at least) the tenor. Again, though, maybe you weren't going for that; however, remember that BALANCE of voices is a key in choral writing. With little I've done, I've noticed that you have to have a variety of chord notes plus a good reason in order to pull off putting the 3rd or 5th in the bass. In this case, it still hits my ears as odd.

I hope you can get some more basic info about part-writing rules. As I said, I'm going on past training without much writing experience. I hope it helps, nonetheless.

One more thing: I don't have access to Finale right now, but you might want to double-check and make sure that the Finale file you posted (right by the CORRECT pdf and midi) isn't the old one. I thought I'd made sure that I opened your new Finale file, so I don't understand how measure #s etc. could be off.

Part Writing flaws (mostly parallelisms):

- m.2 beats 3-4 Hidden parallel 8vs between Tenor and bass (C to A)
- m.4 as noted by Rostropovich
- m.6-7 parallel 5ths between ten. and alto
- m.13 parallel 8vs between alto and bass (D-Bb)
- m.14 parallel 8vs between alto and bass (C-F)