Can't find the right way to intoduce a melody

Hey everyone!

This composition will be a short prelude to a suite I am writing. But I just can't figure out the right way to intoduce the short melody that begins in measure 9. Originally, I wrote a single whole note under it every measure, but I was not quite satisfied with it. My teacher also said that it's not quite effective that way, and suggested that I write arpeggiated chords (eighth notes), that start out beneath the melody, but at the end of every measure go above it. I tried that, and he thought it was a good solution, but I felt like it takes away the effect of the melody. I like to think of this short motive as a "sigh motive" kind of thing, and I feel like it needs to be introduced in a simple but effective way. I tried everything I could think of, writing a counter-melody, having chords under it, and different kinds of arpeggiated chords. But I always feel that it's either not effective enough, or that the complexity takes away from it's power.  The version I am attaching is the latest version I wrote, so far this is the closest I got to what I want, but I still feel like it's not right (the melody in question starts at measure 9). How would you introduce this melody? Does anyone have suggestions? I have already written much longer and more complex pieces than this one, but I just can't get this right. Also note, that this is not the full composition, I only included it until the melody ends, because the second half is still big mess. Any help would be appreciated, and of course if someone has observations about any part of the portion I included, I am happy to hear it. 

Thank you,

Vertes

prelude.pdf

Hi,

Any chance you can upload an audio fie?

Thanks,

Markus

14 minutes ago, Markus Boyd said:

Hi,

Any chance you can upload an audio fie?

Thanks,

Markus

 

Hello!

I can upload the way musescore plays it, sounds quite terrible, but you can get the idea. Sadly I don't have the means to record it myself.  prelude.mp3

Thanks I will look at this at some point today

Okay, so this is very dark. Personally speaking, I do not warm to ending the first two phrases with whole notes, particularity with the progression being more or less the same the second time, with exception to slight variation and a tiers de picardie in C Major. Perhaps I have misunderstood your intentions, however from the perspective of an objective listener, the seemingly unnecessary repetition appears a hindrance to development. 

Concerning the entry to measure 9, this does not offend me. However, it is the subsequent phrases that, again, seem to become lost. In my opinion, I would add something new and bright in Bar 10 to provide some emotional contrast - perhaps a sudden change to a major key with new thematic material and forceful dynamics. I think it is important to surprise and engage the listener, that is if this is a work intended for public audience.

I must admit that this kind of music is not my specialty.  Good luck.

1 hour ago, Markus Boyd said:

Okay, so this is very dark. Personally speaking, I do not warm to ending the first two phrases with whole notes, particularity with the progression being more or less the same the second time, with exception to slight variation and a tiers de picardie in C Major. Perhaps I have misunderstood your intentions, however from the perspective of an objective listener, the seemingly unnecessary repetition appears a hindrance to development. 

Concerning the entry to measure 9, this does not offend me. However, it is the subsequent phrases that, again, seem to become lost. In my opinion, I would add something new and bright in Bar 10 to provide some emotional contrast - perhaps a sudden change to a major key with new thematic material and forceful dynamics. I think it is important to surprise and engage the listener, that is if this is a work intended for public audience.

I must admit that this kind of music is not my specialty.  Good luck.

 

I am glad you looked at my work, thank you for your advice! While I feel like the repetition of the first phrase is important, your idea about the theme at measure 9 is definitely something I will consider.