Advice & Feedback on a song i wrote

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At first glance, there seems to be so little rhyme that, when there is rhyme, it is almost startling, at least to me. I don't dabble to much in R&B lyrics, but it just seems odd.

Now, I might be missing some due to a few false rhymes, which I've almost become attuned to not even recognizing as rhymes. Sadly, that seems to be the way that pop-lyric writing has gone, so it might have to pass.

However, one thing that is not okay to do multiple times, or even one time is to repeat a word and rhyme it with itself. That shows naivete and really screams that this line was not worked on for very long. Whether or not that was the case, that is what it screams, and I suggest that you find replacements for those lines.

Of course, I don't think that, if you keep the style R&B, that it will be difficult to set. R&B music tends to change constantly, only keeping itself consistent at the chorus.

If you want to start talking content instead of craft, the feeling that I get from reading the lyrics is one of suspended time and place, as is true in most pop-lyrics. It seems to be a tribute to someone, merely being a list of what they have done for you.

I might get a bit too into this at this point, but is it possible for you to further the significance of this person? Right now, it seems that your scratching at the surface of what you want to say. Since you aren't writing the typical banal lyrics describing sex, you should take advantage of it. Be a little arty if you have to be.

For example, the chorus uses a very strong image of God, somewhat indirectly placing this person on your pedestal with God. Now, that is strong imagery. However, in your verses, it seems... a little weak compared to that. It seems to be a list of what happened, which could work, though I think if you were to do that, you still need to spruce it up with imagery as you did the chorus. Of course, this is hard to ask you do in 5 and 6 word lines, but such is the art of lyric writing.

Lyric writers usually don't get too much feedback here, so I thought I'd give you some, even though this really isn't in my field of lyric writing (and if you were to ask me, I think I've still a tremendous amount to learn about it) You should take all of my advice with a grain of salt because of it, and only change what you feel that you should change. Though I do commend you for not taking the road and writing a song about sex that you hear so much on the radio. It seems that is all the comes out these days.

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Coolio! I tried writing lyrics once, but I failed miserably. :D I agree with Calehay that the rhyme scheme is a little...strange, but it's hard for me to tell without actually hearing the music.

KUTGW, for five minutes, that's pretty good. I wish I could write lyrics...:(

~Kal