song in need if advice

can you guys tell me what you think about this, what should i change? and what comes to your mind when you read it, and whether you think it's good, and whether i shounld give it a rock sound or punk, or both...here it is:

Lyrics "Sunset Downfall"

Like a helpless bird

flapping away in the air

but going no where

With a broken wing

i'm flying, but at the same time dying

a part of me won't wake

the other half's drowning

Cuz if you cut my skin

i'll bleed

and if you smither me with smoke

i'll choke

Put me in the dark

i won't see

And stab me in the heart

i swear i'll die <2x>

Just like a fragile egg

any second i'll wake

or may end up dead

You're helpless in foolish protection

anything can happen from here

a part of me won't wake

the other half's burning

I'm twitching endlessly

burning, and drowning over again

The sunset's above me

but also under me

The shadows cover my wall

and everything above it all

The sun isn't shining

day after day it's night

I'm twitching endlessly

choking, and gasping over again

I'll bleed

i'll choke

i'll end blind

and i swear i'll die

Just like the sunset's downfall....