Lyric I've been working on...

So, sometimes I like to mimic other composers, just for the fun of it. This is designed to be a Harold Arlen-esque song. I've got almost all of it, but there's one spot that's been giving me trouble. Actually, the whole second verse has been giving me trouble, but I've figured out how to fix what was wrong... except for the last line. So, any words of advice or critique are welcome!

"What More?"

What more is there to say

Now that I've said what I have said?

What more is there to do

Now that it's done?

What more is there to wish for

As we walk away

Leaving someone still wanting someone?

What more could I have said

To make you feel how strong I feel?

What else could make you want

The things I want?

What else could make my passion

Passionate enough?

(Here's the line I'm having trouble with... rhymes with "want")

It's not a crime to feel the way you do.

Perhaps in time I'll feel the same way, too.

But for now I want you,

For now I need you,

For now I feel so blue.

What more is there to say

Now that I've said what I have said?

What more, now that it's done,

Is there to do?

What more could I have said

And what more could I have done

To make you love me, too?

Make you love me

As I love you?

Any and all thoughts are completely welcome, and thank you in advance.

What more could I have said

To make you feel how strong I feel?

What else could make you want

The things I want?

What else could make my passion

Passionate enough?

That it won' t seem so nonchalant. <-- Just to rhyme with want.

The following is a complete word change

What more could I have said

To make you feel how strong I feel?

What else could make you long <-- word change

For things I that I desire? <-- word change

What else could make my passion

Passionate enough?

To re-ignite our fire <-- new line.

(To ignite our amorous fire) <-- alternate ending lines.

(To ignite our ardent fire)

The following is a similar word change but keeps line 3 and 4 in rhyme.

What more could I have said

To make you feel how strong I feel?

What else could make you desire <-- new word change

That to which I aspire? <-- new word change

What else could make my passion

Passionate enough?

To re-ignite our fire <-- previous new line.

re-ignite could also be replaced by re-kindle (or just kindle)

Just ideas for whatever they're worth.

Pretty lame I know, but it's hard to do without knowing the melody that you have in mind.

Thanks! The original lyric I had there was about igniting fire, as well, oddly enough. Those lyrics, unfortunately, don't fit the music. Far too many syllables, as you can see from the first and second verse.

The other thing I'm going for in this song (particularly that verse) is the repetition of words: feel how strong I feel, want the things I want, make my passion passionate enough, etc. The final line of the verse is seven syllables long, two triplets followed by a whole note. As such, lines three and four weren't really meant to "rhyme," it's just that the same word landed at the end of those lines. There's actually little stress at the end of line three. Sorry I can't post even just a demo of the melody... I don't have my recorder with me. When I'm back in town, perhaps.

Back to the lyric suggestions, I like nonchalant... I'll see how I can play with it. Thanks for that! Any and all suggestions are still welcome, as well as any and all comments on the song as a whole.

Thanks! The original lyric I had there was about igniting fire, as well, oddly enough. Those lyrics, unfortunately, don't fit the music. Far too many syllables, as you can see from the first and second verse.

I kind of figure that. That's why I was saying that hearing the music would help a lot. Sometimes things can be made to fit, it all depends on the music. I can come up with lyrics better if I actualy have the music in my head to toy around with the different phrases. Then I could actually sing it for you to show you how I'm imagining it to go.

Without hearing your music I have no clue what to suggest.

I don't think you need a "want" rhyme. I don't think you need a rhyme at all - the unrhymed line pushes the song's momentum nicely into the "chorus." Increases the tension of the lines rather nicely.

That's my personal preference, of course - but I like it because it seems to flow organically from one idea to the next - where forcing a rhyme there brings the verse to a close and makes the shift seem to come from nowhere.

Well, the song doesn't actually have a chorus. It goes from there into the bridge. That line mimics the one above (rhyming "done" with "someone") so the line there would be the same, syllabically, as "Leaving someone still wanting someone."

The last verse has a different tag on the end. I'll try to upload a midi melody to make sense of this all.

Here's the MIDI... hope it doesn't suck too much.

what more.MID