But, My Heart

Here's one I've been working on. A little simpler than the last one I posted.

Just so you know, the misplacement of the comma is intentional. Let me know if it doesn't work.

"But, My Heart"

I want to walk away from you

But, my heart...

I want to do what I must do

But, my heart...

I want to just pretend

This friendship didn't start

But, my heart,

But, my heart...

I want to turn and say goodbye

But, my heart...

I want to run, I want to fly

But, my heart...

I was to just forget

The better, happy part

But, my heart,

But, my heart...

My heart doesn't want to let you go.

My heart doesn't want to walk away.

My heart doesn't want to let you know

What I really want to say.

I want to tell you that we're done

But, my heart...

I want to say you're not the one

But, my heart...

I just want to say we're through

But I don't know what to do

When all of me knows it's true

But my heart.

Very good lyrics overall. I'd just reduce the repetition of But my hear and reorganize the lines. For example

I want to walk... etc

To do what I must do

But my heart...

I want to pretend

This friendship never started

But my heart ...

Now this paragraph -

My heart doesn't want to let you go.

My heart doesn't want to walk away.

My heart doesn't want to let you know

What I really want to say.

is a great chorus of sorts. In fact you could present only the first two lines of it and return to the But my heart and return to all of the text.

I'm a little confused. Could you be a little more clear on what you mean by "reorganize"? I'm asking only because you put an "etc." and the only thing to come after that is the "but, my heart" that you want me to move...

Also, the section you labeled as a chorus is actually the bridge, as it stands right now. It's just a simple verse, verse, bridge, verse song.

I think I understand the gist of what you're saying, but I could use some clarification. Could you just be a little more specific?

Thanks!

Something like this where the "bridge' could be an expanding chorus

"But, My Heart"

I want to walk away from you

I want to do what I must

But, my heart...

I want to pretend

This friendship never started

But, my heart,

My heart...

Doesn't want to let you know

What I truly want to say.

I want to turn and say goodbye

I want to run, I want to fly

But, my heart...

I want to tell you that we're done

To say you're not the one

But, my heart...

I want to say we're through

I don't know what to do

But, my heart...

Doesn't want you to know

What I need to say:

I won't let you go.

I won't walk away

In this version you could add another verse without the refrain But, My Heart specifying more why the subject of the song is torn between staying and going. Then you repeat the last verse(eg chorus) I gave. Also, the lyric implies much more than a "friendship" - something to think about.

It is a different approach but it may lend itself more easily to setting it to music than what you have now.

hey dude... is it possible to use your lyrics on a "aria" i'm composing for a musical comedy? it would suit great with the story...

please answer a.s.a.p

Sorry, alvise_zambon. I'm already setting this for a cabaret act I'm writing.

Composerorganist, I think I understand what you're saying, though that loses some of the structure in the original lyric, specifically turning the phrase around in the last verse.

The point of the bridge I created is to speak what hasn't been spoken in the verses, so I'd rather not repeat it a lot. I find it more powerful to leave it to the imagination.

I'll post the music soon, when I'm happier with it. But, for now (within this structure) is there anything about any of the lyrics that you think could be altered (i.e. "I want to run, I want to fly"... I hate that lyric!)? I'm really interested in getting into the pit-picky stuff.

(Although, I'm very interested to hear more of what you have to say about the structure, if you have a response to what I've said.)

ok, it's right.... it's your own stuff, you have to use it by your self...

Well, my problem is the words for your bridge are central to the text. Either musically you need to emphasize ir, repeat the text or make the text much more visceral and poignant than it is now. Also, I like the refrain But, My heart but I think it is repeated too often - esp the word "heart".

As for "I want to run I want to fly" and even "forget the better parts" I think if you wrote another verse which explains everything clearly, it will be easier to adjust the language of the original. I like your approach - keeping it unclear - but clarifying the "story" behind the lyric in a separate lyric would help add just the right amount of vividness and viscerality to the emotions the subject of the song experiences.

Going to post music very soon. Since the music was going along hand-in-hand with the lyric, the structure is pretty sound. But, of course, I'll have questions about that, as well, once I post it.

Still would love some more specific critique on the lyrics.

Thanks!

Here's a PDF with the music for the song. As I mentioned, the music was already well along when I posted the lyrics, so the structure of the song has not changed. It would be really helpful if I could get some lyric critique within the working structure of the song, and to get solid critique on the structure of the song if the structure isn't working.

Thank you.

But My Heart.pdf

i think the repition could stay leaving its catchy cliche mediocre loviedoviness that could easily be on an album these days.. i got a cool melody for it and will put it up soon :) nicely done

Part of me almost wants to hear what you've composed, but as you can see, I've already denied someone else permission to write music to the song AND I posted the music that I've been writing. I mentioned this in another thread and it's mentioned in the guidelines for this section: despite the intent, which I'm sure was nothing but earnest, adding music to someone else's lyrics (or vice versa) without permission is rude. The property is not yours to tamper with.

Especially as right here on this thread someone else has already asked permission, which I denied. Especially as one post prior I attached a PDF of the music I've already composed for the lyric. While part of me is curious, most of me is rather upset that you disregarded my earlier refusal for a collaborator on this particular song.

oh well i'm very sorry to hear that most of you is upset..it's not like you were asking for input. i want to run, i want to cry.

I was asking for input. Feedback and input on the lyrics as written is different from writing music to my song without permission, especially after I had explicitly stated to someone else that I was not granting that permission, as I'd already written the music.

next time i'll be sure to read all of your comments instead of the big one at the top.

I liked the repetition quite alot - it's may be much more repetitive than most lyrics I've seen, but it seems to fit in this songs structure and feel....

as for the lyrics of this part:

"I want to turn and say goodbye

But, my heart...

I want to run, I want to fly

But, my heart..."

I understand you didn't like the "I want to run, I want to fly"... Do you want me to give specific ideas I have? or just do give my opinion on these lines?

As for the bridge, I think you could try rewriting it for a clearer meaning... but I think its really quite good this way as well, it both refreshes from the original structure, and gives you more info on what happens, while leaving most to imagination....

Good Luck!!!

Caladluin

Specifics are welcome, though I'd like more of an idea of how you feel these could possibly be improved. I just find those particular lyrics clunky and cheesy. Anything is welcome at this point, as long as you understand all changes are at my discretion.

(That sounds condescending to say, but after everything else that's happened, I feel I have to take the precaution and say that.)

Well, I don't know what types of things exactly, its hard for me to explain....

here are the ideas I had, I hope they help you find whatever it is you're looking for:

I want to leave your world of lies

To cut the bonds to which I'm tied

I want to cry out to the sky

I want to leave you with your lies

And obviously, its your song, so good luck with it :)

Caladluin

I like those, though I am one for perfect rhymes. I suppose it's the challenge and subsequent satisfaction, but I rarely use imperfect rhymes.

I'm gonna keep thinking about it, and maybe there are some ideas in there that will help. I like the idea of the lies, because it's a more specific hint as to what could be going wrong with the relationship. Thanks so much!

Hey Pangloss -

Looked over the music. I like your intro but I find the change the B major chord a little sudden. I think this would not be a problem if the intros motifs were heard more clearly in the piano part. Also your accompaniment could use just a tad more rhythmic variety - in fact why not experiment with syncopation withe the accompaniment - this may inspire you to find some better words for small parts of your lyrics. In fact, that is what I do - I write as much lyric as I can and then when I work on the vocal line often I discover better words and rhymes.

Also, I think you would benefit from having a few imperfect rhymes. The lyric is the conflict of holding onto somebody whom you partly don't want to be with. Why not find a way both musically (eg rhythmically - harmonically and melodically you are fine) and to a lesser degree with your lyric. Try something crazy with it - how would the lyric change if it were to a bossa nova or tango beat? You wouldn't keep much generated from this experiment but it'd shake up your creative juices.