The Way I Feel (Song Lyrics)

The Way I Feel

VERSE 1

We all believe, we all create, we all long for something more.

We all achieve, we all translate what

Fascinating sentiments. I'll be extremely technical first:

You set up an interesting rhyme scheme. In the first verse there's the internal rhymes of "believe/achieve" and "create/translate," which is really beautifully done. Then you set up a rhyme for the word "more" which you don't give us until the second verse with the word "store." I like that kind of thing a lot. It keeps the audience on their toes, and also gives a nice rhythm to the piece.

However, you didn't follow through in the second verse. Those two lovely internal rhymes don't appear again, and you don't fill out what I assumed to be a rhyme set-up for "inside us" from the first verse (the way you did with "more/store"). Also (and this might be something you're doing in the music) the second verse doesn't scan with the first. The second line of the first verse has 17 syllables; the second line of the second verse has 20 syllables. And the emphasis doesn't seem to line up. I'd suggest working on that line to that a) it scans with the first verse and b) the rhyme scheme can be cleaned up.

Now, onto less technical stuff:

Your chorus is extremely vague, and I can't tell if it's because of the lyric in the chorus or the verse. My main problem is that I have no idea with what the title of your song is referring to. Your first verse makes blanket statements about things that don't really matter in the larger scheme, and then you immediately say "You can't change the way I feel." The way you feel about what? You have yet to mention anything hard or concrete that someone might disagree with or that could seem controversial.

"I know what I've got in store"... well, there's a loaded statement! I don't know if this means that you know something good will come for you or if it means you plan on murdering someone. Maybe the lack of clarity was intentional, but I don't see anything in the rest of the song to give me even a hint.

Now, to the bridge. I love the repetition of "I'm not blind," especially since it's such a rhythmic and lyrical change from the rest of the song. I'm sure it will have a really cool effect. The problem is, I still have no idea what you're talking about. The purpose of the bridge is to give some new insight, change of perspective, or turn something around. I don't know if your bridge does that, because I still don't know what your title means.

I guess the biggest thing is that we need clarity of what your song is about. It's cool to leave elements up to the imagination (I do it all the time... look at the last song I posted) as long as there's something at the core of the song that's concrete. Right now your verses and your chorus consist of string of platitudes which, unfortunately, don't band together to send the actual message.

Dare to be specific.

Fascinating sentiments. I'll be extremely technical first:

You set up an interesting rhyme scheme. In the first verse there's the internal rhymes of "believe/achieve" and "create/translate," which is really beautifully done. Then you set up a rhyme for the word "more" which you don't give us until the second verse with the word "store." I like that kind of thing a lot. It keeps the audience on their toes, and also gives a nice rhythm to the piece.

However, you didn't follow through in the second verse. Those two lovely internal rhymes don't appear again, and you don't fill out what I assumed to be a rhyme set-up for "inside us" from the first verse (the way you did with "more/store"). Also (and this might be something you're doing in the music) the second verse doesn't scan with the first. The second line of the first verse has 17 syllables; the second line of the second verse has 20 syllables. And the emphasis doesn't seem to line up. I'd suggest working on that line to that a) it scans with the first verse and b) the rhyme scheme can be cleaned up.

Now, onto less technical stuff:

Your chorus is extremely vague, and I can't tell if it's because of the lyric in the chorus or the verse. My main problem is that I have no idea with what the title of your song is referring to. Your first verse makes blanket statements about things that don't really matter in the larger scheme, and then you immediately say "You can't change the way I feel." The way you feel about what? You have yet to mention anything hard or concrete that someone might disagree with or that could seem controversial.

"I know what I've got in store"... well, there's a loaded statement! I don't know if this means that you know something good will come for you or if it means you plan on murdering someone. Maybe the lack of clarity was intentional, but I don't see anything in the rest of the song to give me even a hint.

Now, to the bridge. I love the repetition of "I'm not blind," especially since it's such a rhythmic and lyrical change from the rest of the song. I'm sure it will have a really cool effect. The problem is, I still have no idea what you're talking about. The purpose of the bridge is to give some new insight, change of perspective, or turn something around. I don't know if your bridge does that, because I still don't know what your title means.

I guess the biggest thing is that we need clarity of what your song is about. It's cool to leave elements up to the imagination (I do it all the time... look at the last song I posted) as long as there's something at the core of the song that's concrete. Right now your verses and your chorus consist of string of platitudes which, unfortunately, don't band together to send the actual message.

Dare to be specific.

Thanks for the comment, I've read your lyrics and they're quite good! Now, to clear up a few things about my cryptic little ditty here. : )

The genre is quite possibly hard rock (hence, the inconsistent meter.)

Verse 1 speaks of humans as a race. We all long for the same things in general, we all react to different things similarly. We are connected.

The chorus is about how even though we are all connected one as a race, we are all very opinionated and don't get along. Basically, it suggests that we have a problem because we can't change the opinions of others and we can't simply make them disappear, we're far deeper. The last sentence is a cry to God to open our eyes as a race and show us our unified identity.

The second verse is about how I found Jesus Christ and know what's in store for me in the afterlife. Basically my stance in this sea of humanity.

The bridge ties in with the overall theme that we are in a moral predicament as a race. It basically says lower your gun (or judgment.) The statement "can we live while a world dies?" translates to our tendencies to indulge ourselves in ourselves (if you will) whilst turning a blind eye to others. The "I'm not blind" bit is an angry and rebellious rant and the replying "neither are you" is a remorseful acknowledgment that although we may truly believe as we do, others deserve respect and understanding.

Basically, the point of the whole piece is that it's possible to live passionately for what you believe while still living peaceably among others.

Hope it makes a little more sense now!

Thanks again,

Jared

They're not bad, but they lack a lot of power and polish. As these lyrics stand right now they conjure Nickelback and Creed images, a sort of bland rock-noise. The lyrics seem a like a bunch of generic phrases put together without a driving rhythm and interesting language to back it up. Now I'm not saying that one needs to be Shakespeare for simple song lyrics, but if you're going for some of the deeper subjects that plague humanity (religion, inequality, the stress between "morals" and "hedonism) you have a rich well to draw from and you're only skimming the surface. Maybe some allusions or metaphors could color your language and a strong driving rhythm (perhaps propagated by alliteration?) could give your poem energy.

They're not bad, but they lack a lot of power and polish. As these lyrics stand right now they conjure Nickelback and Creed images, a sort of bland rock-noise. The lyrics seem a like a bunch of generic phrases put together without a driving rhythm and interesting language to back it up. Now I'm not saying that one needs to be Shakespeare for simple song lyrics, but if you're going for some of the deeper subjects that plague humanity (religion, inequality, the stress between "morals" and "hedonism) you have a rich well to draw from and you're only skimming the surface. Maybe some allusions or metaphors could color your language and a strong driving rhythm (perhaps propagated by alliteration?) could give your poem energy.

Thanks for the comment. I'm not a fan of Nickelback or Creed, but was probably listening to Chevelle or Norma Jean whilst writing these lyrics (hence the ambiguity and odd phrasing.) The general agreement is that I would do well to use more arresting language and metaphorical content... I'll work on that more with my next lyrical venture. You have inspired me to delve deeper, thanks!

Skip the platitudes and embrace specificity. Repeating blanket statements about the human race isn't helping the song. I get what your chorus is saying, but the song (and your explanation) still haven't really explained what the title means. If someone (anyone) is trying to change the way you feel about something, you MUST let us know what that is, otherwise why do we care?

Also, putting something as specific as reaching eternal salvation through finding Jesus Christ into a lyric as cryptic as "I know what's in store" is not going to bring your message across.

I like what you're saying, now that you've explained it. But your message is of peace and harmony, and your lyrics don't suggest that anywhere. The gun imagery, the repetition of a defiant phrase like "I'm not blind," the even more defiant use of your title in the phrase "You can't change the way I feel" all give the impression of volatile emotions... violence, contempt even. Perhaps this is a problem that music can solve, but I found the rhythm of the lyrics would lend themselves to a driving rock beat.

I think what you need is to really focus your energy on what each verse is about and how it serves the whole song, and then make sure the lyric gives the information it needs to give. I also think the [very sophisticated] rhyme scheme you had going will add an air of intelligence that could prove useful. These are not the ravings of a rebel without a cause, but the well-thought-out hope of a frustrated humanitarian. That's one of the ways rhyme can serve you really well.

Skip the platitudes and embrace specificity. Repeating blanket statements about the human race isn't helping the song. I get what your chorus is saying, but the song (and your explanation) still haven't really explained what the title means. If someone (anyone) is trying to change the way you feel about something, you MUST let us know what that is, otherwise why do we care?

Also, putting something as specific as reaching eternal salvation through finding Jesus Christ into a lyric as cryptic as "I know what's in store" is not going to bring your message across.

I like what you're saying, now that you've explained it. But your message is of peace and harmony, and your lyrics don't suggest that anywhere. The gun imagery, the repetition of a defiant phrase like "I'm not blind," the even more defiant use of your title in the phrase "You can't change the way I feel" all give the impression of volatile emotions... violence, contempt even. Perhaps this is a problem that music can solve, but I found the rhythm of the lyrics would lend themselves to a driving rock beat.

I think what you need is to really focus your energy on what each verse is about and how it serves the whole song, and then make sure the lyric gives the information it needs to give. I also think the [very sophisticated] rhyme scheme you had going will add an air of intelligence that could prove useful. These are not the ravings of a rebel without a cause, but the well-thought-out hope of a frustrated humanitarian. That's one of the ways rhyme can serve you really well.

Once again, you are quite correct. I'm inspired to write a better song now! I've always found myself writing vague/hidden meaning lyrics... but you're right, why not say things the way I mean them exactly? Thanks for putting so much time into helping me with these lyrics. I'll make a revision, and post it as soon as I can.

Thanks!

I have no problem with hidden/double meanings or anything like that, but you can't have them to the point that it takes all meaning out of your song.

Let's look, for example, at a simple lyric like "If I Loved You" from Carousel:

If I loved you

Time and again I would try to say

All I'd want you to know.

If I loved you

Words wouldn't come in an easy way.

Round in circles I'd go

Longing to tell you,

But afraid and shy.

I'd let my golden chances

Pass me by.

Soon you'd leave me.

Off you would go in the mist of day

Never, never to know

How I loved you...

If I loved you.

The one thing the song NEVER says is how much the singer adores and can't live without the person he's singing to. But through all of the specifics of what he'd say/do if he loved her, we understand how much he really does love her.

(You'll also note that Oscar Hammerstein employs the same kind of rhyme technique that I loved so much in your song, where the rhyme isn't completed until the next verse.)

I have no problem with hidden/double meanings or anything like that, but you can't have them to the point that it takes all meaning out of your song.

Let's look, for example, at a simple lyric like "If I Loved You" from Carousel:

If I loved you

Time and again I would try to say

All I'd want you to know.

If I loved you

Words wouldn't come in an easy way.

Round in circles I'd go

Longing to tell you,

But afraid and shy.

I'd let my golden chances

Pass me by.

Soon you'd leave me.

Off you would go in the mist of day

Never, never to know

How I loved you...

If I loved you.

The one thing the song NEVER says is how much the singer adores and can't live without the person he's singing to. But through all of the specifics of what he'd say/do if he loved her, we understand how much he really does love her.

(You'll also note that Oscar Hammerstein employs the same kind of rhyme technique that I loved so much in your song, where the rhyme isn't completed until the next verse.)

Gotta love Hammerstein, such a legacy of work! Truly great lyrics as well. The rhyme scheme is also very cool.

I'll get cracking and get something new up ASAP. I've had the craziest week of my life, so I'll probably do it over my wind-down time this weekend. : )

Thanks for all of this awesome advice, and for the great conversation on lyrics!

I just want to say that, to me, your lyrics could also fit an other genre of music like trance music or something really space and deep... lyrics exploring great feelings aspects are always interesting in that kind of music.

This forum is very interesting!!!

thanks!!!

FX