V is half asleep

Vanessa is half asleep

Lily’s arms atop

Her unborn sister [OR Alternate line: Her mother's load]

The television shines

Cartoons and

Strange distress;

To comfort, to forget

Their daily alarm:

The child is due

The father absent

The room borrowed

And the street

Looms.

Vanessa is half asleep,

Lily’s arms atop

Her unborn sister [OR Alternate line: Her mother's load],

The alarm pitches higher,

The television dims,

Vanessa …

Awakes.

Commentary welcome. May use this lyric for a class asignment -- may not.

Hello,

I liked your use of ternary repetition with the codaic ending. It gave the whole poem a mystical feel... like emerging from the fog. I can't really say much else, since I'm not a poetry expert and I don't think it is my place to ask you to change your poetry. But yes, I felt like I was both comforted while being anxious... like an inevitable doom. Quite powerful, in my opinion, if you could change the diction to incorporate the feel of desolation.

Good luck :)

I'm a bit unclear as to who Vanessa and Lily are in this poem-is Vanessa the expectant mother and Lily her daughter?

What genre of music are you setting this to?

vanessa is the expectant mother and Lily is her daughter. Style - classical

bumped up for others to see

I would actually be less overt... the "unborn sister" part is to me too heavy handed with the stuff about the father, which is crucial to the story.

Thanks Ferk. Is that the only part you think too overt?

I like a lot of it. I really like that the entire song shows us one moment which defines a situation. Not the whole story, not letting us know how it's going to end, just giving us a glimpse of how it is right now. It's a really beautiful concept, and a bittersweet picture.

I actually prefer "unborn sister" to "mother's load." The latter seems too poetic without telling enough. Perhaps "mother's burden" instead? It could just be that I don't like the word "load."

Could you, for my sake, repost the lyrics with what you intend to be the structure of the song? I see what looks like a refrain, what looks like a verse, what looks like a bridge and then what looks like the refrain and the verse mushed together with a coda.

Keep up the good work!

Vanessa is half asleep

Lily’s arms atop

Her sister unborn

The television shines

Cartoons and

Strange distress;

To comfort, to forget

Their daily alarm:

The child is due

The father absent

The room borrowed

And the street

Looms.

Vanessa is half asleep,

Lily’s arms atop

Her sister unborn

The alarm pitches higher,

The television dims,

Vanessa …

Awakes.

Pangloss - Above gives the form - Refrain, two verses, refrain, coda. Musically it would be a ternary form Intro (piano alone) A/B (verses 2 and 3, not what exact material but it would lead to the first high point at the end of vse 3)/A/Coda (voice sings last stanza then piano offers a brief last "word"). Note verse 3 would serve as the 1st high point AND a bridge back to the refrain.

Thanks Pangloss (and Ferk) - I figured out what was wrong with her unborn sister - should be "her sister unborn". A little less direct but still clear. It also emphasizes the word born a variant of the verb "to bear" ie, born which means "to tolerate" "stand" etc. This also allows has the line refer to the troubles she is bearing and how she seeks relief from them. Finally, the third line of the refrain repeats the same stress pattern as line one whereas before it was misplaced and weakened the line

I understand the structure from a content perspective, but from a musical, what you call the verses don't match up. That's why I originally thought the second verse was a bridge.

Now that you say it's a verse, it makes perfect sense in terms of the mood of the piece and the structure... but you couldn't fit the same music to those two passages.

I agree the music between verse 1 and 2 cannot match but they can be related - eg you could take a portion of the musical phrases used in the refrain transpose and reharmonize to lighten at first and then quickly darken the mood leading to verse 3. Verse 3 would build to the first climax. I wonder if this could be done with Verse 3, where a portion of a musical phrase is further transformed to build to the first climax. Then the refrain could return subtly altered and the process repeated but much more quickly. I think this as the lyric does not intend to have a really strong "refrain" in the traditional sense i think. One musical idea is use the metaphor an ever pervading "alarm' building throughout the lyric.

What do you think?

Great point Pangloss. What is your background with lyrics and songwriting?

My background is in musical theatre and cabaret writing. My brother and I write songs together (I'm usually the lyricist) and I also write songs on my own. We have a couple of ideas brewing for full-length musicals.

I'm also the composer of Facing East, a new musical project that I just started with librettist Mark Garcia.

Sounds cool please feel free to pm me any workshops or performances of your works. I am even more flattered by your generous comments reading your background.

By the way have you ever heard of the opera composer Conrad Cummings or lyricist Corey Dangel?

Haven't heard of either of them. I'll look into them. Opera fascinates me.

I'm glad they've got this thread now.

I had a good friend here from an earlier time at YC who would've really appreciated it.