Living a Dream - Ziva Shira

I see you every day,

You've never looked at me twice.

I see truth in those green eyes

And I know that I need you

To get through this life that I have.

So please don't go.

I said,

Please don't go.

I see you every day,

I have to pay the price.

My face is reflected in those green eyes.

The tears rolling down my cheeks;

I have to get through this life I have.

So please don't go.

I said,

Please don't go.

I'm with you every day,

My heart is with you for life.

I'm looking into those deep green eyes.

And I know that I love you

Forever, in this life that I have.

So please don't go.

I said,

Please don't go.

I'll love you every day,

In your loving arms I lie

The years are reflected in those green eyes.

And now I know that, I have you

I can never let you go.

- Ziva Shira

I like it. The sentiment is kind of cool and the structure is REALLY cool. However, I wish you'd really follow through on the structure that you set.

First off, I love how the only rhyme in the song is the second line of each verse, but I think you have the opportunity to make that really mean something. The other thing is that you don't follow through with the rhyme. "Life" and "lie" (the second two of the four rhymes) don't actually follow the rhyme you set up (with "twice" and "price"). It will be far more satisfying if the rhymes actually rhyme.

Also, scansion, scansion, scansion. How are you going to fit "I see truth in those green eyes" and "My face is reflected in those green eyes" to the same melody? I adore the repetition of the "green eyes," but the lines simply don't match up syllabically. This seems to be a problem throughout the song. There's little value put on scansion* and how the verses work together on a purely structural level.

I also question the last verse, "in your loving arms I lie." When did that happen? Either we need a bridge that says she gets the guy or a bridge that says she's content with dreaming of having the guy, but either way, the line doesn't make sense with the rest of the song. I also wish there were a way to use the closing line from the other verses (leading up to "the life I have") as your final line, but make it somehow different from the other verses.

I do this in one of my songs (posted here) using the same words, but meaning different things. The singer needs to leave a relation and can't bring himself to saying, "I want to walk away from you, but my heart..." until the final line where he sings, "All of me knows it's true, but my heart." I think you have the potential to do something like that here.

But first and foremost, clear up the structural issues. Fix the scansion, find rhymes that actually rhyme, make it a really tight composition, and I promise you the song will be more satisfying for it. You've got the emotion and you've found a hook for it, not just take the work the final mile.

*In case you don't know, I'll put it here. Scansion refers to how a lyric fits with the music, or how it scans. If two lines are supposed to fit one line of music, but one has 7 syllables and the other has 10, that's bad scansion, because one of those lines won't fit the music.