Sonata no. 6 need feedback!

Hello folks! Been a little bit (always is a little bit between when I talk on here it seems)

I've been hard at work at college writing all sorts of stuff, but amid all the music I'm writing and playing for school, I've also been working on a personal piece for solo piano. Dedicated to someone I love very much, the piece is an exploration of love.

Movement 1 is the only movement written so far, and it is about passionate love (maybe I'll call it Eros. Still figuring out names or if I even want names for the movements.) I'll explain the movement's structure so you can maybe understand what I'm trying to do. 

Intro:

It starts floating on an A dominant 7 chord, overtop of which soars a delicate but sometimes dissonant melody with huge leaps. It remains in this uncertain space a little while. Then it bursts into arpeggios and a fanfare-like triplet motif in F Major, gradually building more and more, before collapsing into the exposition.

Exposition:

The first theme in F minor is fiery and built from two motifs, the passionate right hand and the rumbling left hand. Cadencing in the relative major, the motifs then set off to transition to the next area. The second theme is in the distant key of D major and is a beautiful transformation of the melody from the introduction. A recurring turn motif brings the melody to its PAC and the closing theme commences with triumphant arpeggios (you will hear the inspiration from Chopin Ballade no. 4) but is suddenly overturned by D minor with the rumbling left hand motif of the first theme, ending the exposition dramatically in Bb Major!! Unlike I think literally all of my other sonata form pieces, there is no exposition repeat before the development.

Development:

In the soundscape of the exposition's closing chord, the developed introductory melody quietly emerges, again unsure, interwoven with fragments of the first theme. Eventually the second theme's rumbling motif takes hold, and a series of violent sequences commences. At its climax, it collapses again in a whirlwind. Out of the bleak, emerges now the second theme, in a hopeful manner, modulating from Ab Major to E minor, and finally culminating in the most passionate and beautiful variation in G Major, with repeated chords and heavy rubato. It reaches its turn motif and PACs in G Major erupting into the closing theme arpeggios, but now being derailed again, even earlier than last time into C minor! And now we're at the Fugue, based on the same rumbling left hand motif that's been so persistent in the development. After reaching its peak, it sequences a little more and is now in C Major and has successfully set up the dominant retransition to the tonic F minor!

Recapitulation:

First theme is mostly the same as before. The transition is however different and more "bravura" than before. The second theme tragically is now in F minor, and doesn't get its old turn motif to cadence, and instead prepares to close the movement in the drama of the first theme. But it's diverged! We move away from that extreme low register now into the highest register as we hear one last time the full second theme in F Major, much barer and more suspended, but again with its cadence motif. But it doesn't finish quite yet. It repeats the motif, before slipping back into an A dominant 7 chord for the coda.

Coda:

Largely an exact repeat of the introduction, but what was before a solid dominant pedal, is now broken up by the tonic in the bass, giving a more resolved sound. With no more burst into F major, the movement closes on low D Major chords.

Now the reason I really want your guys' feedback is because I want to play this for the dedicatee soon, and I just want to make sure it's perfect before I present it to him. I did show the piece to my professor, but he said it sounded too traditional and suggested I listen to Sciarrino for inspiration 🥲 Let's just say I have different taste than him lol. The performance isn't perfect, and the score is very unpolished! But everything should come across pretty well hopefully. Thank you in advance! 😄 

i see sonata, i click

this is magnificent. the motivic interactions... harmonic blending... so good.
too long for my internet attention span. but I think it could work in a concert hall very well.

and impressive fast octaves! very needed when it is the main motif

one thing but that is personal opinion, the open octave accompaniment might sound a bit too hollow (like bar 67), does work better if the register is lower (like bar 17, 274 etc.)

bars 189b-191a why suddenly regular triplets instead of the dotted? I find it becoming "too baroque" for a few seconds, especially with the traditional harmonies there. Again, opinion only, and I have no professional qualifications lol

To be clear: this is a really awesome and impressive work. I have included a bunch of constructive notes in this since you seem keen for some 🙂 

listening/reading notes:

Introductory page is extremely beautiful. Love the improvisatory nature, spacious without feeling empty

[Have to say I am not a huge fan of the F major melody on page 2, it feels a little straightforward to me]

Modulation in bar 26 is very nifty 🙂

Love the bass motif in the main F minor subject, very characteristic and memorable

Reappearance of the intro subject at 67 is great, everything up to the build and surprise Bb chord (fun trick) at 94 is awesome

[95-108 is a little meandering for my taste]

Modulations through 117-143 are very compelling and exciting

160-163: *chef's kiss* reminds me of some Rach climax harmonies here.

Arpeggios at 165-180 are a little extravagant for my taste

Fugue at 181-196 has a nice idea, you have a great subject, I just wish it had a little more time to breathe (4 voices enter on the subject without any development time between their entries). in this area bars 190-195 feel the most effective to me because they feel the most balanced; the voices here have rhythmic variety to distinguish themselves clearly and there's a little more negative space to guide the ear. I feel like the classic fugal structure of introduce voices 1 and 2 (maybe 3 if you're feeling brave), and then have some development time before introducing more voices, would work well here. It feels a little more like a gesture towards a fugue than a fugue (maybe it's a fughetta).

Recap is great 🙂 i do like this theme a lot. The crunchy move in bar 229 is great

263-290 feels like it could be trimmed. We've just heard this theme in the recap a few moments ago anyway, and the straightforward dotted rhythm is not the most exciting thing to zone in on for several more bars. It feels the movement on top of the tremolo is a bit slow. But the exit out into 291 is very beautiful.

I love the intro, so obviously I love the outro too 🙂 And to be fair, the F major theme from the start pays off pretty well in bars 317-318, great way to finish. (Maybe just something a bit briefer / less extravagant than page 2 would suit me.)

I really like this piece! I think there is possibly a 12-13 minute version that I *love*, but it is not my place to play editor haha

p.s. i hope you don't mind, I attached a one-shot sightread of this piece. obviously a lot of mistakes as completely unpracticed, but I like playing through scores I like as it builds my familiarity + understanding of the piece. I think I feel less strongly about most of my above pieces of constructive feedback having played through the piece, other than still thinking that page 2 is unnecessarily floral for what is kind of a simple theme and the fugue does feel a little underdeveloped.

Warning in advance that there are lots of mistakes but I think there are also lots of parts which alright and you might appreciate hearing someone else play through your music 🙂 you can hear me get a lot more confident at the recap -> coda I think.

17 minutes ago, TheGreatEscaper said:

p.s. i hope you don't mind, I attached a one-shot sightread of this piece. obviously a lot of mistakes as completely unpracticed, but I like playing through scores I like as it builds my familiarity + understanding of the piece. I think I feel less strongly about most of my above pieces of constructive feedback having played through the piece, other than the fugue does still feel a little underdeveloped.

Warning in advance that there are lots of mistakes but I think there are also lots of parts which alright and you might appreciate hearing someone else play through your music 🙂 you can hear me get a lot more confident at the recap -> coda I think.

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I am so honored to hear such a talented musician play through my piece! Trust me the mistakes are nothing! You played it so beautifully 🥹

This is quite an accomplishment, and intensely beautiful.  I'm not qualified to say much more than that because of my rooting in Classicism, but you have my compliments.  I hope the dedicatee appreciates it.  

Hey Jonathon @ComposaBoi,

I would have commented earlier if not 1) for my consistent illness 2) The tragic HK fire. Very passionate playing and forget all those wrong notes, as the power really reaches me.

I will just take note from start to end. The whole first D Major section sounds like a Barcarolle to me with the dominant pedal, and b.3 and b.5 flourishing sounds like Hisashi to me with the dreamy mood. 

For the b.21 section with that agitato mood I won’t write Lento on it with 32nd notes. I may just augment on the notes by 2 and put an allegro agitato  there. 

Like the solemn and furious F minor theme. I actually find the 2nd subject too short and the triumph arriving too early, and then the breakdown to D minor too early.

I love the key changing in your development (for example to C minor), but I do think that left hand triplets motive can be used less frequently, since it sounds a bit predictable at the end for me. I like the Ab major section but again I think you can augment the note value and put an Allegro there. Like that you bring the triumph of the 2nd subject before the fugato. I feel like the fugato here not developed enough just like the fugato in my Nocturne lol. And basically that triplets motive dominates the whole development and maybe you can use a different subject?

I really like the Grave Mystico (or Misterioso?) passage with the higher register melody, contrasting the middle to low register used mostly in the piece. I only feel the D Major ending unsatisfied since it’s really unrelated to what happen between. But maybe it’s right here with later movements.

Thx for sharing.

Henry