Errand Boy

This was the first tune I've EVER written with words. It utilizes a few big band idioms, the usual awesome funky baseline, catchy melody, and nifty horn riffs.

You'll get the general idea from the midi/mus, but the recording's more accurate.

The recording was rushed and done with little time/money to spare, and there are some nailbiting errors in there so we'll obviously have to do it again...

Errand Boy

I've got a fax

For Central Station

Let me remind you this is no joyride

When you get back

Before the hour

I want Havarti by my side

Be sure to call

Shirley in accounting

For the meeting in the conference room

For now that's all

You should get going

I want you back in here by noon

Go Errand Boy

You'd better run run run

Go Errand Boy

You gotta get that job done

Oh Errand Boy

You're working five-to-nine

Errand Boy on time

Simplicity

There's no objection

Just as long as it ends up on the desk

Take it from me

Use your discretion

And fulfill this last request

I need five hundred

Letterhead coppies

Neatly stamped with tomorrow's time and date

Don't you ask why

You know already

It's not your job to evaluate

Oh Errand Boy

I've got a job for you

Oh Errand Boy

You'll increase revenue

Oh Errand Boy

There is a close deadline

Errand Boy on time

Guess you did not

Recieve the memo

We sent to you several times last week

You were laid off

After your hard workin'

Now you'll be living in the street

Go Errand Boy

You'd better run run run

Go Errand Boy

You gotta get that job done

Oh Errand Boy

You're workin' for a dime

Errand Boy on time

Frankly, I think the music itself is fine, and I know the recording has a few errors, but do ya'll have any tips on lyrics?

Many thanks!

~Kal

Errand Boy.MID

Errand Boy.MUS

A good groove. Nice melody. Cool backgrounds. Not terribly inventive or ambitious, but that's not really the point now, is it?

One thing that might solidify the tune a bit would be some sort of drastic textural change. You have very cool instrumental options - flute, vibes, violin... would be nice to change the groove a bit more, perhaps a short break-down section somewhere. BUT...whatever.

Are you hip to Groove Collective?

Nigel, your writing has progressed quite a bit, I hope you keep up with this. :thumbsup:

Thanks! Not all of the members of the band are as talented as others, which means I have to write out EVERYTHING for some of them, so the more complicated it is, the longer it takes to learn, and since we only practice once a week....

But yeah, it was supposed to kinda simple...Almost following smooth jazz, I wanted it to be jazzy but for every-day, non-jazz-listening people to enjoy it.

Are you hip to Groove Collective?

No, but I do now. I'll have to check them. I love playing a Rhodes...

Thanks again!

~Kal

Since you asked, a tip regarding lyrics: try to listen for the natural points of emphasis in your words, and write your melodies so that the points of melodic emphasis match the lyrical points of emphasis. That avoids that awkward feel that the lyrics have in some places.

That said, I really did enjoy this piece; nice harmonies, nice groove, nice melodies. My main issue is with the verse. I think that the repeat is pretty jarring. If I were writing this piece, I might change up the harmony on the repeat; that would give it more of a sense of movement.

That's an enjoyable piece to listen to.

Since you asked about the lyrics, I'm not really sure about the end:

"You were laid off

After your hard workin'

Now you'll be living in the street"

The problem here is that the imaginary person speaking to the Errand Boy seems to be the Errand Boy's boss throughout the piece, yet at this point this person suddenly becomes rather sympathetic with the Errand Boy, more like a comment from the outside. But since it's integrated into the rest of the lyrics it doesn't get clear that it's another person talking, so it sounds like the boss is actually commenting on how bad the Errand Boy is being treated which is quite weird.

Personally, I'd leave out the "After your hard work you'll be living on the street" part at all and just let the "boss" indicate that EB has been fired, as a dry, unemotional statement, i.e. keeping the whole lyrics very businesslike. The listeners will understand the emotional content of this themselves, without having it pointed out to them.

If you want to keep it, I'd make a musical change for this part, so it gets separated more from the rest and it becomes clear that now a different "person" from the outside is talking.

As someone mentioned, careful with the scansion. The most jarring that I found was "joy ride," which was pronounced as "joy RIDE" instead of "JOY ride," as the phrase is supposed to be pronounced. People who aren't reading the lyric won't understand what you say there.

Also, you start off with a rather interesting rhyme scheme: ABCDBC, and then you drop it half way through, so it becomes ABCDEC, which isn't as interesting, because it only rhymes the last lines of each triplet. If you could find a way to unify the ABCDBC rhyme scheme for the whole song, it would tighten your lyrics, and might help you out with the problem at the end that Gardener pointed out. You also play around a lot with near-rhymes and assonance rhymes. I, personally, am all about the perfect rhyme, but in a piece like this it's not crucial, though perfectly rhymes generally make a song stronger.

Also, you start off with a rather interesting rhyme scheme: ABCDBC, and...

Actually, it's ABCDEC ABCABC for the first verse, then it's backwards for the second. ("back" happens to almost rhyme with "fax")

As for joyride, it's (supposed to be) sung without much emphasis at all- it's just that 'ride' is a higher pitch than 'joy.'

Also, it wasn't sung exactly how I wrote it (some words were added- vocalists can be hard to work with...), but I see what you're saying...

On the ending, the real point is that the boss knows that (s)he's overworking EB, and was plan on firing him from the beginning. Or maybe it does change points of view- it's really up to whoever's listening. This is a lot less cryptic than most of my stuff- maybe I'll throw some other songs up on here.

Thanks for the advice, guys, it really helps! I haven't had much experience in writing lyrics (I used to write poems way back when, but that's a whole different thing...):thumbsup:

~Kal

Unfortunately, it's not possible to put no emphasis on any part of a word. With music it's easier to put equal stress on two syllables of a word, though this music is a little iambic.

Also, it's good for you to know that the "back" and "fax" in the first verse looks like it's intended to be a rhyme. ABCDBC might be something that's a better goal for all verses of this song.

Unfortunately, it's not possible to put no emphasis on any part of a word. With music it's easier to put equal stress on two syllables of a word, though this music is a little iambic.

Also, it's good for you to know that the "back" and "fax" in the first verse looks like it's intended to be a rhyme. ABCDBC might be something that's a better goal for all verses of this song.

Yeah, I must say that this tune doesn't have a persistant rhyme scheme throughout....but I guess that's what makes it all the more fun:)

And I'm sure you could get away with putting no emphasis on a word like "a"....:P

But yeah, ABCDBC seems pretty interesting....I'm still trying to broaden my vocabulary on rhyme schemes....

Thanks!

~Kal

Yes, you could (and should) put no emphasis on a word like "a." I was referring, of course, to multi-syllabic words. Haha.

I made up a rather fun rhyme scheme for my song "The Palio," which is posted in the Choral/Vocal section. No rhyme in the verse, traditional rhyme in the bridges, my own fun little scheme in the chorus. Not terribly inventive, but fun nonetheless.

For some terrific rhyme schemes, check out Sondheim's lyrics. And very often, he writes music that dictates where the rhymes should land. For a particularly fun one, see if you can play "spot the rhyme" in his song "Here's to the Ladies Who Lunch": YouTube - The Ladies Who Lunch - Elaine Stritch

Another--non-Sondheim--that's really beautiful for its rhymes in Noel Coward's "If Love Were All": YouTube - If Love Were All

For some terrific rhyme schemes, check out Sondheim's lyrics. And very often, he writes music that dictates where the rhymes should land. For a particularly fun one, see if you can play "spot the rhyme" in his song "Here's to the Ladies Who Lunch."

K, I'll check 'em out. Most of my lyric-writing influences come from Steely Dan, Sade, a bit of Zappa, a smudge of Earth, Wind, and Fire, maybe a little Edgar Allen Poe, and then some more Steely Dan...

~Kal

I love that intro.

This piece rocks! Or rather, grooves. Makes me tap my toe throughout everything. I think you will succeed in letting non jazz listeners listen to your compositions, and it's not smooth jazz. Smooth jazz is much too boring. On the contrary, this piece is exciting!

It was alright... I found it pretty 70's, not necessarily in a good way. But given the ages of y'all and what you're doing it was mighty fine. Can't add a whole lot that's new

The recording wasn't as bad as you made it out to be :)

This piece rocks! Or rather, grooves. Makes me tap my toe throughout everything. I think you will succeed in letting non jazz listeners listen to your compositions, and it's not smooth jazz. Smooth jazz is much too boring. On the contrary, this piece is exciting!

Thanks! means a lot to me....

We're back in the studio, so we should have some more tunes done this week...like the pseudo-rock "Anti-Gone," a funky "Kind of Emo," the uber-cool "Nothing Kid"....

It was alright... I found it pretty 70's, not necessarily in a good way. But given the ages of y'all and what you're doing it was mighty fine. Can't add a whole lot that's new

The recording wasn't as bad as you made it out to be :)

Trust me, it sounded really 70's with the drum beat it used to have...

I can certainly find 3 major errors in that recording, and then some minor ones about dynamics and stuff. And the rhythm section wasn't dry enough. Too much reverb. Not enough trombone. Missing violin. Maybe I'm too much of a perfectionist?

Thanks you guys!

~Kal

To update Kal's post, the new songs have been mixed today and are done...but he's stuck at a McDonald's with no ride and no internet connection, so I guess we'll just have to wait...