Romeo And Juliet, a metal Ballad

Here's something I've been working on and off for a while now.

Things I love:

The sweet bass, clean guitar riff

The dual solo

The use of time changes and seventh chords

Things I hate:

The cheesy lyrics

Doesn't really have anything to do with the play

The rushed ending

The fact that it's so dang short.

Lyrics:

Without each other we can't survive

Hope, all hope is dying, it dare not thrive

My heart

I want to touch you without a care

Bring, bring back our stolen, sweet love affair

Oh I long to kiss you once again

Just to taste your sweet smile once more

No rose smells sweeter than your dark hair

Love, no love is greater or just as fair

A name

A name can't drive us apart my sweet

Blind, oh they are blinded, they just can't see

How I'd climb

The great steeps

Just for you

And jump down

If my love

Wills it so

Remember the day

The day we shared ourselves

The fear we had

The things we said

Everyday I see

That moment like a dream

The words rings clear

After all these years

That through black days

And lonely nights

You will be there

For me

So let us take

Our one true path

Come run away

Juliet

And through black days

And bitter nights

We were chased down

Like dogs

So let us seal

Our one true pact

Come to the steeps

Juliet

And we'll fall

To the sea

You and me

And hold hands

To the end

Of the World

Comments, critiques etc. welcome.

RomeoAndJuliet.mid

RomeoAndJuliet.pdf

ok, i'll be honest with you. I REALLY wanted to hate this song....but i don't I've listened to it about five times now and i still like it....sigh....(weeps softly at potential loss of musical taste)

That's actually the best compliment I've ever gotten ^_^.

no problem, it's far from perfect, but for metel it's fine, is this slated for performance? if not I actually know some close friends that just may be into something like this.

Nah, feel free to share it.

If anything comes to fruition I'll of course keep you well informed.

is this symphonic or power metal

If anything comes to fruition I'll of course keep you well informed.

Thanks :)

is this symphonic or power metal

I was going for NWOBHM with a little influence from modern Power Metal.

its not new wave and wiull youn look at my guitar song if i completely look at yours

its called metal/alternative is the topic

i see a little new age rock

Sure

did you decide where to put your lyrics because they dont seem like there going to match this

its to light

and the lyrics are much darker though still light

i like the solo but its two sloppy

maybe make it a twin solo like dragonforce it might sound better

this is so kesa(lillswitch engade) lyrics

Yeah, the choir is actually the vocal melody. I wasn't really going for dark, more romantic than anything.

look up killswitch engage for inspiration in lyrics

it seems like what this song needs

did you like my song

I did actually, but it needs a little work in a few measures, as far as the drums go.

I actually kinda liked it. :D

It was a bit generic, I must admit, but the meter kept me interested. You could stand to put another voice in there to kinda break the nondescriptness of the melody. Like a random horns-section sting or some synthesizer. Or perhaps just a lead guitar line but I like to keep a pretty noteworthy disparity between types of instrument in a song. Bottom line: I'd like to see more from the melody (before or during the point the vocals come in) just to keep it from being so bland. Otherwise, I though it was pretty damned spiffy.

Also it'd be nice to see the bass do something different. It just emulates the guitar without doing anything really relevant. In the verse, try doing 16th notes straight-across on D and then doing some jazzy or otherwise obscure (but not violently dissonant) harmony in the second riff. AND MORE, that's just the first thing that came to mind. After the breakdown circa 2:00 I liked what the bass line did.

In conclusion; get a goddamn band and record this bastard. NOW.

With the disclaimer that this is not my genre, here are my thoughts:

Musically I like it. I think you play with the instruments well and I think you have a good grasp on the genre, keep it musically interesting, have fun with the structure of the music, all that sort of thing. It kept my attention.

As to the lyrics. First off, can you PLEASE re-post the music with the lyrics typed into the score. It was extremely different to try to follow along with just the lyrics and try to figure out how they fit into the music I was hearing. It'll be a lot easier to critique if I can see them in the score and read the melody I'm listening to.

As far as the quality of the lyrics, it's hard to say. There's little to no structure to them, and I can hear that there is both harmonic and melodic structure to the music, but I can't see how the lyric fits into that. You start with these couplets, each of which pose a nice Hallmark thought, but combined don't really move the song in any direction. Then you forsake the rhyme, though it seems to me you do that at a point where the harmonies start changing and the groove seems to shift, so that may not be a problem.

But then you move into a wholly unrecognizable area structurally, which would be fine if you brought us back to something we'd seen already, but you didn't. The lyric lacks focus, and I think part of the problem is that you don't have a "hook" lyrically speaking. It helps to have a lyric (something to appear at the beginning or end of a verse or in the chorus) that defines exactly what the song is about. It will help you clarify your lyric and it will keep you on track with what your trying to say rather than stabbing in the dark.

One thing I think you can do to fix your lyric is to analyze the structure of the music, because it's totally there. Find musically which segments are which, what makes a verse, a bridge, etc., and then fit the lyrics into those kinds of chunks, rather than just rhyming couplets. Does this make sense? For example, you may come to find that where you've got two couplets--each with a different rhyme and a different thought--the music is really asking for a quatrain. So, those two different thoughts really should come together and form one thought. Making the structure of the lyric match the structure of the music--which is there and is awesome--will make the lyric stronger and will force you to write a more focused lyric. Right now you have a lot of really nice ideas which don't come together to make a song.

I hope this helps, I hope this makes sense, and I hope I can offer any other help you need. Good work!