Need help... for a guy with a broken heart... :(

well i just need music on this piece or rather a bunch of words i have.... feel free to arrange it too... i was thinking of just having it as an acoustic heartfelt music... thanks in advance for people who'll try... :)

"Eyes"

Was it the way he looks at you

His eyes was it green or blue

whichever it was it took your breath away

when he does, you'd say "I'll love you everyday"

I close my eyes and think on how he starts

because as you tell me how, sounds off the charts

he'd offer you the moon and all the stars

when all I can give was just an open heart

He was everything you've been looking for

different from all the guys you had before

when he looks into your clear blue eyes

and when he gives you that killer smile

and here i am, point of no return

still should I give you my concern

Coz in my heart I really feel the burn

His love for you and yours in return

Should open my eyes to see now your gone

but tell me how should i move on

when the girl of your dreams is with him all alone....

is this a love story

His eyes were they green or blue...

Sorry.

I know this is all heartfelt and everything, but structurally... it's a mess. Each stanza seems to have its own structure. And yet, there doesn't seem to be anything within the stanzas that give each stanza a purpose. There's nothing there that can clearly be labeled as a "verse," "bridge" or "chorus." There's no lyrical hook, which will make it difficult to find a musical hook. The only thing that's somewhat uniform from verse to verse is the rhyme scheme, which you take liberties with, as well.

I know this sounds really harsh, but the reality is that you're not giving a composer much of anything to work with.

Here are my suggestions: try a slightly more intricate rhyme scheme. There's reason for this beyond "looking clever." It forces you to think ahead two or three lines. The rhyme scheme you have here (AABB) only forces you to think to what's going to happen immediately following. So, since you don't have some kind of road map, the song seems to wander rather aimlessly. More intricate rhyme schemes (even ABAB) force you to think about the entire verse and how the rhymes will help tell the story of the verse.

Then you really have to think syllabically to make verses as close to identical as possible. The second line of the first stanza is seven syllables. The second line of the second stanza is eleven syllables. How is a composer supposed to set that?

And overall, you want to think about what you want to accomplish in each verse. What is each verse "about"? What portion of the story is it? This goes along with mapping out the rhymes. You want each verse to have a clear and concise meaning, not just four lines that happen to have rhymes in them.

All of these things will take the images and the feelings in your song (which are good) and make them stronger. It won't sound like you're rambling, it will be a cohesive story.

I personally don't think there's anything structurally wrong with it. I was *easily* able to "sing" it to a pop/rock-style song. It's not particularly sophisticated, but then, neither is the music it's inspired by. Lastly, a song doesn't need to have the typical verse/chorus pattern...

@drpangloss... I know what u mean... But its because of what happened I decided to just put down what and how I felt.... I write stuff based on experience. and for mr. Mattschuartz... That's somewhat exactly my music genre... Thanks

The lyrics are great I have to admit... I'm kind of in a tight bind right now as well... if you are able to get this into a song... could i use it... if not could I at least use the lyrics as a poem?