Separated - My first lyric composition

Hey guys im only 13 yrs old so dont expect much from me :(

I really like to compose and stared composing in grade 3. I made liittle easy compostitions. One is called Monster in the dark and the other is Burglars alert. But i feel as if i heard of them before = = i probably copied it from someone else.

It was then in gr.4, my friend had broken my heart by separating from me. I didn't know why so i dedicated them a song, just to wish they would understand how i felt. =] hahaha... please... sorry if the lyrics are a bit weird. im not really good in english. and ALSO!!! please = = excuse my aweful singing. i will sing better on my next composition :L

I hope you enjoy! and feel the sound of loneliness I had tried to produce:thumbsup: :P

link : YouTube - My own composition -Separated

Nice job. Pretty impressive for 13 years old. Keep writing. More more you do it, the better you'll get at it.

Yes, very nice indeed

Fujiyumi-

I know you are 13. But young age is no excuse for mediocrity; get better! :)

You might have gotten these beforehand, but just to let you know:

Introit: Your introduction by the piano was very pleasant, but flat. I know you might have been nervous while recording, but put more expressiveness in your playing.

You can add in more ornaments and slight embellishments to make it sound more interesting;

Your song: Too much oh and wows and yeahs in your lyrics. Girl, get a thesaurus or something, express yourself succinctly! All this literal sprinklings of what I call "vocative intensifiers" makes them dull and boring. So cut down on them, use one or two at the climax parts. Use different words for some of your lines which do not really fit the melody instead of pulling it eg: (...but why don't you ever say are you okay)

Also, I was confused by this same line. You meant for her to ask if you are okay? Or tell you she is okay?

Rewrite some parts which sound perfectly alright in a poem but sound absurdly corny in a song.

Your voice: I know you have gotten a dustbin of them. You should know what to work on.

So to speak I enjoyed your piece from a pure listener's point of view, Im sure you will be able to create better works with experience.