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I was looking online and I came across a web page full of music jokes. I thought they were pretty funny so I thought I would share. ----->Enjoy!

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Here's some i found a long time ago:

An efficiency consultant gave his critique of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony:

All 12 violins played the same notes. This is unnecessary duplication. Their number should be cut.

For a considerable period oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced and their work spread evenly among other staff.

No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that was already handled by the strings. If such redundancies were eliminated, the concert could be cut 20 minutes.

The symphony has two movements. Mr. Schubert should have been able to achieve his musical goals in one.

Conclusion: If Mr. Schubert had paid attention to these matters, he would have had time to finish the symphony.

"Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end." -- Igor Stravinsky

"In opera, there is always too much singing." -- Claude Debussy

Albert Einstein (1879-1955), German born physicist; he lived in the US after 1933 in Princeton, New Jersey, Einstein played violin in a string quartet. He thoroughly enjoyed it, but the other musicians were less enthusiastic. One of the other players confided, "He can't count."

Cadence: When everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.

Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.

English horn: A woodwind that got its name because it's neither English nor a horn. Not to be confused with French horn,

which is German.

and i have posted this joke before somewhere on this website:

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an

open fifth between them and after a few drinks, G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not

sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."

A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then

the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've

found in this bar tonight."

Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender

(who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come

on in. This could be a major development." And in fact, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there

au naturel.

Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's

under a rest.

So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without

Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of

any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

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:w00t:

Here's some i found a long time ago:

An efficiency consultant gave his critique of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony:

All 12 violins played the same notes. This is unnecessary duplication. Their number should be cut.

For a considerable period oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced and their work spread evenly among other staff.

No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that was already handled by the strings. If such redundancies were eliminated, the concert could be cut 20 minutes.

The symphony has two movements. Mr. Schubert should have been able to achieve his musical goals in one.

Conclusion: If Mr. Schubert had paid attention to these matters, he would have had time to finish the symphony.

"Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end." -- Igor Stravinsky

"In opera, there is always too much singing." -- Claude Debussy

Albert Einstein (1879-1955), German born physicist; he lived in the US after 1933 in Princeton, New Jersey, Einstein played violin in a string quartet. He thoroughly enjoyed it, but the other musicians were less enthusiastic. One of the other players confided, "He can't count."

Cadence: When everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.

Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.

English horn: A woodwind that got its name because it's neither English nor a horn. Not to be confused with French horn,

which is German.

and i have posted this joke before somewhere on this website:

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an

open fifth between them and after a few drinks, G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not

sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."

A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then

the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've

found in this bar tonight."

Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender

(who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come

on in. This could be a major development." And in fact, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there

au naturel.

Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's

under a rest.

So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without

Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of

any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

:laugh:

So funny!

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I can't hear enough music jokes.

What do you call a soprano that can sightread?

An Alto.

What do you call a man that hangs out with musicians?

A Drummer.

More later...

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What's the difference between a government bond and a trumpet player?

The government bond will eventually mature and earn money!

How many professional trombone players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Professional trombone players can't afford light bulbs!

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?

The bow is moving!

How can you tell if a violist is at your door?

He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in!

Oh, good times.

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I think music jokes are so funny because we all know some one that the jokes fit perfectly.

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I don't know if this is somewhere, but I once broke one of my violin strings and I ended saying around people: "I broke my G-string".

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Oh, someone could explain this one to me, because my reaction no matter how many times I've read it is just "...But.. what...?"

A little girl says to her mother "Mummy, can you get pregnant from having anal sex?" and her mother replies "Of course you can, darling, how do you think conductors are born?"

....."But... what?.."

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I made a Liszt and went Chopin for some strawberry Schubert. When I went home to eat it I made a huge Messiaen and had to go Bach to the Schumann for the second time this week to get a new pair of Verdi Hispanic running shoes. Now I am Baroque...

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