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imslp.org is your friend. And I agree, studying those scores would be greatly beneficial to your understanding. I don't know what you meant by composers studying "mathematical crap"....is that a dig at serialism? Also, I don't think its fair to say Bach was self-taught...he came from a family of musicians, who passed on their knowledge and experience to young Johann Haydn, on the other hand, was "self-taught"

I feel the same. It's tragic to wake up everyday knowing that most the people I'll ever meet, if everybody for the rest of my life, will never know why I cried at the end of Tristan und Isolde - and why I'll never cry at the end of The Resistence. Not for any personal reason; but because the music itself was so overwhelming, and at the time I couldn't imagine any other kind, as though it were the first art I'd ever perceived. Sadly I've not even found many classical folk to hold up that feeling with: less Wagner today, and more Eric Whitacre. But, oh well.